When the sun goes down.

When the sun goes down, I may sleep. Then interuption....I would love a full night of sleep. Not having a child whine, not having a night terror, not having to pee. What would my life be if I actually got some?? Would I be as tired? Would I be as mean? Would I even blog? HA!

heart ache

My heart aches when I think of this person
Whom I think of occasionally
We were born same day
We were born same hospital
We lived in the shit state of Texas
We just connected 17 years after our births.

I wonder what ever happened to him.
I wonder what he really thought or felt.
Did he feel the same?

I later spoke with my sister about a time long ago. She let me know that he had feelings for me.
Would I have gone out with my current? No I would not have at the time. We would have gone out. He would have hurt me. I know I hurt him already. He tried to break us up. He tried to split what we had. What if I would have gone that way?
I would not have my babies....
I would not have my husband....
I would not have a nice house.....
I would not be happy......

I really cared about him. I really did. I even do now but know that it was truly not meant to be. I nannied for a woman who thinks that we had been connected in another life. What are the chances of running into a person who was born on the same day, same hospital, lived in the same state before and meet up as teenagers at a random party? Too weird. Our parents so different. His dad, a chaplin and mother a great woman. My mother, a teenager with no one......I miss you Josh.

The Crush.....

The pain of the heart....
What could never be....
He will never know.....
The pain will go.... away
eventually.

When does the road end?

Life will end eventually. You never know when. Death will catch us all. You can try to run and hide, but why? He will get you.
Is life really real? Sometimes it feels so unreal that it cannot be so. Or it is too real to be real. Where everything is so heavy and sharp. Every touch is rough. Touching snow without gloves. Walking barefoot on hot pavement.
Why do we choose to live the way we do? Why feel obligated to take care of your kids when you can just go out and blow them off on someone. To not care what they become by your actions. To go out and start a new life beyond them.
To just go through and destroy everything around you. Break costly furniture or electronics. Why not just reach over and whack the person next to you? Just want to hurt that child just to hear it cry? Too cruel to do, too costly. The demons cannot win. They cannot bring you down to their level. Depression cannot win. Can you win?
Death hangs over our city like a comforter. Thick and warm, soft and cozy. You can just feel the ghosts watching you. The blanket of corpse souls covering you, comforting you. Knowing that they walked and lived as you did in times before McDonalds and running water. Before modern medicine and Snoop Dogg.
What would it be like to worry that you would die giving birth? Wanting a child but not the pain? Knowing that by getting a child you would have to endure pain with no relief? Death. Relief. Child.

When does the road end?

Life will end eventually. You never know when. Death will catch us all. You can try to run and hide, but why? He will get you.
Is life really real? Sometimes it feels so unreal that it cannot be so. Or it is too real to be real. Where everything is so heavy and sharp. Every touch is rough. Touching snow without gloves. Walking barefoot on hot pavement.
Why do we choose to live the way we do? Why feel obligated to take care of your kids when you can just go out and blow them off on someone. To not care what they become by your actions. To go out and start a new life beyond them.
To just go through and destroy everything around you. Break costly furniture or electronics. Why not just reach over and whack the person next to you? Just want to hurt that child just to hear it cry? Too cruel to do, too costly. The demons cannot win. They cannot bring you down to their level. Depression cannot win. Can you win?
Death hangs over our city like a comforter. Thick and warm, soft and cozy. You can just feel the ghosts watching you. The blanket of corpse souls covering you, comforting you. Knowing that they walked and lived as you did in times before McDonalds and running water. Before modern medicine and Snoop Dogg.
What would it be like to worry that you would die giving birth? Wanting a child but not the pain? Knowing that by getting a child you would have to endure pain with no relief? Death. Relief. Child.

emptiness, depression.....

I feel alone. I am anxious and hurting and tired and just overwhelmingly done. I am sick of the word no. I am sick of having to hit and yell to get anything done. I just want to feel something solid, cold physical pain other than the pain in my mouth.
Once when I was younger, way younger, I lived on my own. This was back when I was 17. I had my few months of utter trouble. Lost my virginity (if I even had it thanks to an uncle when I as little) watching Faces of Death, got drunk, you know. Stupid stuff. Well, I borrowed my parents car, and old 76 Lincoln that had like no metal left. This car was huge! I could lay on the hood and my head and feet would barely touch the ends. At 5'9", this is a rarity to feel truly small.
Anyway, a friend and I were to go play some pool down at SS Billiards in Hopkins. We ended up at a graveyard of a friend. I only met the guy once, he was doing a tattoo on someone....he died on his 21st birthday, driving drunk. Well, as we were leaving, I backed over a no parking sign. Good job! LOL Lame, I know....